I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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