nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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