Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
