Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
