I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She needs sedatives and a leash
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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