I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
