how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
