You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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