i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
