My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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