if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
