I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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