Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I need to align my fucking chakras
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
