I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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