then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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