I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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