if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
