I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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