well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
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You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
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I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.