I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night