my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
