someone threw a dead crab at me
I wanna eat
then eat your cupcake
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick