Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We're too hungover to prance.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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