I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
