Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
pray to the hookup gods
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
