I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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