Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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