i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
