Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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