I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
