Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
