I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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