dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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