dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
