Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
