her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
