the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
