He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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