First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
