I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
