I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
These 23 People Are Living Shocking Lies
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The 17 Absolute Worst Divorces Imaginable
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?