I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
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I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!