The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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