He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??