I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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