I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
