nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
