ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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