The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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