I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
