Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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