I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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