You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
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You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
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Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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