im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
