Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
