I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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