u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
