When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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