My nipple is on Facebook.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
