Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
