So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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