I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
